i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just found a bag of teeth...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Panties = found
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
