I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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