Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
