I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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