i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
