So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
