i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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