how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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