You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
