that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
