Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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