My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
