she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
