your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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