I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
