Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
