Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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