I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
