I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
