dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
two words: eviction party
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize