just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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