I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
