did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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