Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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