Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
