she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
