So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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