My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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