How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
