im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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