Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
