she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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