Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
