Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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