he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We left an ass print on the piano.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
