Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
so much tequila, so little girl.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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