You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
