I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
