My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is Oprah even human
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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