Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
