Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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