you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
