I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize