Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
