He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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