Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
