I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
