so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
