Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
