for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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