Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
