So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
