I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
