I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
