while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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