There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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