I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
