based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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