Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
