His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
