Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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